written by Courtney Girdwood taken from Above Rubies October 2010, No. 80
I love my children so much that at times it hurts. Mothering brings me so much joy, yet it is the most frightening and overwhelming task imaginable.
One day you are handed the most beautiful, marvelous gift. You stare in awe-struck wonder and breathe in the sweet fragrance of new life. You cannot fathom how this tiny little human will forever change the world as you know it. Or, how your own life as you know it, will forever change.
Once you are a Mother, things you never worried about suddenly become foremost in your mind. You find yourself double-checking if the doors are locked before you go to bed. You always make sure you buckle up. You apply two layers of sunscreen just in case. You baby proof e-v-e-r-y-thing.
Mothering is so very scare. Life isn't about you anymore. Not only do you worry about your child's well-being, you worry about your own well-being. After I became a mom, I found myself constantly praying for God to protect me, because, second to the thought of losing one of my children is the thought of them losing me.
I pray more than I have ever prayed in my life. Life is so unpredictable and our children are at the mercy of this dangerous world and have an enemy who wants nothing more than to devour them. This reality drives me to my knees, daily. Each day I have to give my fears over to God and ask Him to help me love my little ones while entrusting Him totally with their care.
The hardest part of being a mother is knowing that at some point in time my children will have to suffer. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. Some of my children have already experienced it and I can't express how much it pains me to know there was nothing I could have done to save them from it.
Many times I have seen one of my children in pain and wished I could take their place. I would take any amount of suffering if it meant my child didn't have to suffer. Tears form in my eyes at the every thought of one of them becoming ill, facing despair, having their hearts broken or making mistakes that will forever alter their future. I often think of Mary. What must it have been like to be Jesus' mother and to witness His torture and death?
Sometimes I wonder why God called me to be a mother. At times, the task seems too great to bear and my heart feels like it could crack into millions of pieces. I love my children so deeply, so profoundly that I wonder sometimes if I can handle it. And yet, my God loves them even more. He loves me even more. He loves you even more.
Mothering is the perfect picture of Christ's love for us. He saw us suffering in a dark and sinful world. He came to us to save us from and eternity of suffering. He took our place and paid the ultimate price. He loved us that much. My love for my children is just a speck in comparison to His love for us.
Each day, I lay my precious treasures at His feet. I lay my fears, my heartache, and my ever-present desire to protect them, at the foot of the cross. I pray that God will give me all that I need to mother them well. I ask that He will provide me the strength to endure whatever comes our way.
I thank Him for the incredible privilege of being called Mommy. I thank Him for each day that I get to experience a glimpse of His vast love for me through the love He has given me for my treasures.